My Deeper Story

I was born in September of 1987 (that makes me 25 for those who don't want to figure it out), in Southern California. When I was just 1, my mother baptized into the Mormon (actually known as The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or LDS) church, and my Mormon-born-but-inactive father became active. We became a church going family, and my sister was baptized when she turned 8. When I was 3 we went as a family to the Los Angeles LDS temple to be sealed, believing this would make my parent's marriage eternal into the after-life, and that we, their two daughters, would be sealed to them as well. If we all lived worthy. No pressure.

We moved to Salt Lake City, Utah when I was nearly 4. The headquarters of the LDS church. A place where over half the population is Mormon. They're everywhere. Every aspect of my life was influenced by the church. Sunday: 3 hours at church. Monday: Family Home Evening. Midweek and monthly activities. Being taught to socialize with people with my same values. Being taught to only date and marry a nice Mormon boy. Being taught to live worthy of having that marriage be in the temple. So I can be with my family forever. If I lived worthy. No pressure.

When I was 5, my dad had an affair, and my parents divorced. So much for a forever family. 10 months later they were both remarried. My mom married a man from a large Mormon family. My new grandma's family history goes back to the first days of the LDS church. Pioneer blood.

I was baptized when I was 8. The age of accountability. My step-dad baptized me because my father hadn't returned to church. I think my dad led the music. **Cue Daddy Issues**

My sister went inactive pretty much as soon as she could get away with it. I was determined to be the good Mormon daughter my mom always wanted. No pressure.

As a teen I was active in the church's Young Women program. Every Sunday I recited the Young Women Theme. I attended 'Mutual' one night every week. I attended church dances. I worked on, and earned, my Young Women Recognition Award (our version of an Eagle Scout). I attended Rough Camp with the girls from my ward for a week every summer. I went to Oakcrest Girls Camp for a week for two summers when I was 13 and 14. I was determined to work there. When I started 9th grade I started attending Seminary at school. One class period in a little building off campus where I studied the scriptures and doctrine. I took it for 4 years and graduated. When I was 16 I got a job at Oakcrest in the kitchen, still determined to get a job there as a counselor when I was old enough. I loved all this stuff. I studied my scriptures, I prayed, and I got involved as much as I could.

Now, all through my teens I lived with guilt. I felt a lot of pressure to strive for perfection, which we all know is impossible. I was constantly making mistakes, and I was constantly on my knees, in tears, begging God for forgiveness and another chance. I always felt like a failure and a hypocrite, because I would inevitably be back on my knees, begging and crying, in a number of weeks. I felt like a bad person, trying to be good. Bear in mind that I never smoked, I never drank alcohol, I never had sex, I wasn't a thief. Still, wracked with guilt. Never good enough.

Then I graduated high school.

I held on for a while. I really did intend to follow the Mormon girl road map: Go to college, get married in the temple, make Mormon babies. That was the plan. My first year at Utah State University started well. I went to church, and even turned to my bishop for help with my Daddy Issues that used to pop up from time to time.

Then I started using my brain. I had NEVER questioned my belief system. I trusted that if the people I loved and trusted most believed, that was good enough for me. Piggy-backing on my parent's/grandparent's/friend's/friend's parent's testimonies. Who wouldn't want to strive for an afterlife that allowed you to be with your loved ones forever? Who wouldn't want to strive for an afterlife that allowed you and your spouse to become Gods yourself? Sounded pretty sweet. And at least Mormons don't believe in a fire-y hell. Comforting.

Back to using my brain. One day, the thought that not only could the LDS church be wrong, but that EVERY church could be wrong entered my brain. I immediately believed it. My guilt vanished. I realized I was a good person going through the human experience, and that I didn't have to live up to, or match any standard set by some Being from above.I hadn't done anything illegal, or even immoral. I was doing just fine.

While I felt liberated, I was also really afraid.  The social repercussions of becoming inactive and falling away from the church are not easy to deal with in a society where your church life and your social life are one and the same. I decided I would give it one last chance. I doubled my efforts at church. Scriptures, prayers, church meetings, activities. I didn't miss one. I also applied to be a counselor at Oakcrest. I figured if anything was going to save my testimony, it would be teaching the gospel and being surrounded by all things Mormon. I broke my ankle the first day of camp...I should have taken that as a sign. But I hung in there. For 12 weeks I taught 13 and 14 year old girls about Joseph Smith, The Book of Mormon, and Jesus Christ. I really gave it my best shot, and it was a great summer.

It didn't work. When camp was over, I had to admit to myself that there was no going back from the enlightenment that there is no God. How horrible that I wanted to. A month before my 20th birthday, I knew I was an Atheist.

I kept it on the down low. I didn't have the courage to tell people. I stopped attending church, my scriptures gathered dust, and I stopped praying. I was still terrified of the disappointment I knew a lot of people would feel because of my becoming an apostate, so I just kept it all to myself. I watched friends leave on missions, return from missions, marry in the temple, and start their Mormon families. Good for them. My parents figured out pretty quickly that I was inactive, and I was grateful not to have to endure too much pushing from them.  I still haven't told them I'm an Atheist. I was also grateful for my best friend, who, even though she was LDS, understood and accepted me despite my change. And just for the record, I didn't lose any friends because I stopped being a believer, but I also didn't feel like I could be completely open and honest about it without dealing with some repercussions. I haven't really told anyone I'm an Atheist.

A lot has happened since then.When I was 23 I was playing Halo: Reach with my best friend and I met an Aussie bloke. When I was 24 I flew to the other side of the world to Perth, Australia to meet this bloke, and when I was 25 he became my husband. Since being in Australia I have had a lot of time and opportunities to learn and grow. To educate myself.

I am grateful for the way I was raised. It shaped me into who I am today, and I like who I am. I still have a hard time letting go of a lot of the beliefs that were engrained into me, but I evolve every day. My only regret is that I wasn't more open and honest about who I've become with my family and friends back home. Now I'm 10,000 miles away, and it is much harder to show my people who I've become. Not that I'm sure I'm even ready for that.

I've started this blog as a way for my voice to be heard, in the hopes that it will promote change and education for those who seek it. I hope that I can gain the courage to be more open with my family and friends about who I've become. I hope I can help someone struggling with the same problem, Mormon-raised or otherwise. Everyone deserves to be who they are, without being afraid.