Growing up indoctrinated in the LDS church and being strongly Christian, simply hearing the word 'atheist' was enough to make me cringe. It immediately conjured the image of an evil, miserable, human who wanted to make everyone else evil and miserable. I didn't think a happy atheist could exist. I can't even say exactly why this happened. I can't recall any time when my parents or church leaders spoke badly about atheists, or anyone for that matter. Mormons really are pretty nice people. Perhaps I just couldn't fathom someone actively not believing in my God, or any God. I thought God was the bee's knees. I didn't think a happy atheist could exist.
As I got older, I was proud to find myself fairly open-minded, forward thinking, and accepting. I'm grateful for these traits, as I'm certain I'd still be Lil Miss Mormon without them. I found my fear of atheists diminishing, and eventually found them...intriguing. As I began to question my belief system I quickly realized that there was no god, and that I was an atheist. It was honestly a lot to wrap my mind around. I quickly redefined atheists for what they are: as generally smart, reasonable, free, happy people. Exactly what I wanted to be.
And I think I am. Instead of reading scriptures and preparing Sunday School lessons, I'm watching documentaries about science, evolution, and the universe. Instead of praying to a god that never answered I have intelligent conversations and debates with my husband and other friends. I'm working to educate myself to defend atheism to those who would challenge my being an atheist. I am working hard to be a well-spoken, educated atheist. I don't want to resort to sarcasm, insults, and bullying when religion is brought up (I know, I know, they make it SO easy). I want to be able to use logic and facts to educate. I won't be the atheist that the Godly fear. I want to be someone that can be turned to for enlightenment. Having been previously deeply religious I know that I never would have taken seriously anyone who insulted me or my beliefs, just as I wouldn't listen to any theist using those same tactics against me now. It is counterproductive to trying to spread a message and educate to needlessly offend those you're trying to reach. I feel compassion for those who are trapped in religion as I was, and I hope that atheists will extend kind words and actions to theists. At the end of the day, most of them are brainwashed and haven't had the opportunity to explore other possibilities. I would have LOVED to have an educated atheist to turn to while I was 'de-converting'. I hope to be that person.
I'm still not openly 'out' about being an atheist. With the majority of my family and friends being LDS, it isn't worth the contention and strain on my relationships. A few closest to me know the truth, and everyone else knows I don't go to church anymore. I'll let them think of me as Inactive Kelsey rather than Atheist Kelsey, for now. I know the majority of them would jump to a lot of conclusions about me that simply aren't true. They'll think I escaped to the other side of the world to start living a wild life, that I wanted to sin and rebel. They'll pity me. They'll think I'm miserable having rejected their savior. I don't want to open that particular can of worms until I'm in America with my F&F able to defend and explain myself and what I know to be true.
I want them to see that I'm a happy atheist. Never happier in fact. Never. I live in a reality without fear and guilt. I accept that my days are numbered, and I live every day knowing that. I took a risk and moved to the other side of the world for love, and it paid off. I never would have done that if I was still Lil Miss Mormon. I want to show my F&F that I still have values and morals that I uphold. I want to show them that I am still a good person.
Saturday 26 January 2013
Wednesday 9 January 2013
The Gift of Doubt
The following are some of the first ideas and thoughts that I had that led me to question my religious upbringing.
There were moments growing up where my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ could not be shaken. I had great moments, both at church and on my own, where I sat and thought, "Kelsey, remember the way you feel right now. If you remember this, you will always know that God lives and He loves you." These moments were what I turned to if ever a shred of doubt entered my head. I was so afraid of questioning what I always believed to be true.
Why? Why should I be afraid to feel doubt and explore more options? After all, who can claim to truly know anything without looking at it from all directions? Instead of figuring out my beliefs on my own, I looked at the people I loved and trusted. My mom and my step-dad have always regularly attended church. 4 grandparents, 14 aunts and uncles, and a crazy amount of cousins. They all faithfully attended church. If it was good enough for them, it was good enough for me.The idea that they could all be wrong really scared me.
I also looked at those in my life who had already rejected the church. My dad had an affair when I was 5. Once the cat was out of the bag and he left, he never returned to church. To this day, his life has been miserable. Never able to keep a job, never able to pay child support, drug problems, and constant struggle. In contrast, my mom (who remained faithful) thrived. Okay, maybe not thrived, but she was happy. Even though we struggled financially and with health problems, we always had what we needed, and we were happy.
I attributed this to being blessed by God. I even used this as an example when talking to other church members about why I had a testimony. I saw this as evidence of God's existence and his influence in our lives.
Now I know better. Now I know that my dad is miserable because he destroyed his marriage, is a crappy employee who late into his 50's still believes that becoming a rock star will provide for his family, and spent all his money on drugs instead of caring for his family and building a life worthy of joy. He has almost no contact with any of his children or his parents and siblings, he is separated from his third wife. This isn't because he lost favor with God, this is because he made his bed, and now he is sleeping in it. On the flip side, my mom worked hard and married a hard-working man. Even when she doesn't love her job, she knows the security it provides and how important the health insurance is. She made smart choices. She is blessed because she provided that for herself, not because God is rewarding her. You reap that which you sow. Not because of God, but because of our choices and their natural consequences.
The problem is, you can look at any situation and invent some sort of intervention by the hand of God. You see it all the time. On 9/11 stories of people who were late for work that day and lived to tell about it. Many attribute that to the Almighty. Kind of a slap in the face for those responsible enough to be on time. Ironically, religious people don't look at bad situations and blame the hand of God. When bad things happen, suddenly it becomes some sort of punishment to those who deserve it. Lately, I have heard a lot of remarks regarding the tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary school. People actually have the audacity to suggest that guns are entering our schools because we kicked God out. What?!?! So God decided we were being naughty, so he let a lunatic murder innocent children? Why is it never seen that way?
Anyways, back to my point. I started wondering how I could be so sure of something if it possibly didn't exist. I realized that our brains are powerful things. I realized that given a bit of suggestion, we can fill in a lot of blanks to make a situation easier to understand without having to face reality. I even experimented after becoming an Atheist. I was able to duplicate the feelings I had when I was 'full of the Spirit of the Lord' by sitting in a room, by myself, inside my own head, and simply thinking about it. I was able to bring tears to my eyes and feel the 'burning in my bosom' that Mormons oh-so-love to feel. No scriptures, no praying. Just my brain.
The brain. That is what it is all about. The more knowledge you gain, the easier it is to understand our incredible universe. You understand that there is no need for God and superstition. The world and our universe is infinitely more incredible when you give it the credit it deserves and don't give kudos to an imaginary man in the sky. Or on Kolob, as the Mormons believe.
There were moments growing up where my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ could not be shaken. I had great moments, both at church and on my own, where I sat and thought, "Kelsey, remember the way you feel right now. If you remember this, you will always know that God lives and He loves you." These moments were what I turned to if ever a shred of doubt entered my head. I was so afraid of questioning what I always believed to be true.
Why? Why should I be afraid to feel doubt and explore more options? After all, who can claim to truly know anything without looking at it from all directions? Instead of figuring out my beliefs on my own, I looked at the people I loved and trusted. My mom and my step-dad have always regularly attended church. 4 grandparents, 14 aunts and uncles, and a crazy amount of cousins. They all faithfully attended church. If it was good enough for them, it was good enough for me.The idea that they could all be wrong really scared me.
I also looked at those in my life who had already rejected the church. My dad had an affair when I was 5. Once the cat was out of the bag and he left, he never returned to church. To this day, his life has been miserable. Never able to keep a job, never able to pay child support, drug problems, and constant struggle. In contrast, my mom (who remained faithful) thrived. Okay, maybe not thrived, but she was happy. Even though we struggled financially and with health problems, we always had what we needed, and we were happy.
I attributed this to being blessed by God. I even used this as an example when talking to other church members about why I had a testimony. I saw this as evidence of God's existence and his influence in our lives.
Now I know better. Now I know that my dad is miserable because he destroyed his marriage, is a crappy employee who late into his 50's still believes that becoming a rock star will provide for his family, and spent all his money on drugs instead of caring for his family and building a life worthy of joy. He has almost no contact with any of his children or his parents and siblings, he is separated from his third wife. This isn't because he lost favor with God, this is because he made his bed, and now he is sleeping in it. On the flip side, my mom worked hard and married a hard-working man. Even when she doesn't love her job, she knows the security it provides and how important the health insurance is. She made smart choices. She is blessed because she provided that for herself, not because God is rewarding her. You reap that which you sow. Not because of God, but because of our choices and their natural consequences.
The problem is, you can look at any situation and invent some sort of intervention by the hand of God. You see it all the time. On 9/11 stories of people who were late for work that day and lived to tell about it. Many attribute that to the Almighty. Kind of a slap in the face for those responsible enough to be on time. Ironically, religious people don't look at bad situations and blame the hand of God. When bad things happen, suddenly it becomes some sort of punishment to those who deserve it. Lately, I have heard a lot of remarks regarding the tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary school. People actually have the audacity to suggest that guns are entering our schools because we kicked God out. What?!?! So God decided we were being naughty, so he let a lunatic murder innocent children? Why is it never seen that way?
Anyways, back to my point. I started wondering how I could be so sure of something if it possibly didn't exist. I realized that our brains are powerful things. I realized that given a bit of suggestion, we can fill in a lot of blanks to make a situation easier to understand without having to face reality. I even experimented after becoming an Atheist. I was able to duplicate the feelings I had when I was 'full of the Spirit of the Lord' by sitting in a room, by myself, inside my own head, and simply thinking about it. I was able to bring tears to my eyes and feel the 'burning in my bosom' that Mormons oh-so-love to feel. No scriptures, no praying. Just my brain.
The brain. That is what it is all about. The more knowledge you gain, the easier it is to understand our incredible universe. You understand that there is no need for God and superstition. The world and our universe is infinitely more incredible when you give it the credit it deserves and don't give kudos to an imaginary man in the sky. Or on Kolob, as the Mormons believe.
Sunday 6 January 2013
First post! First post! First post!
I'm really excited to have this blog. I needed a way to express and share my beliefs, and the lack thereof. This blog will be paired with my twitter account (@lilmissatheist, go ahead, give it a follow). Whether this is just a platform for me to feel like I'm heard, or if I can actually help someone trying to break free from a religious background, I think this blog is worth my while, and hopefully yours as well.
I'm still learning. I learn new things daily, and I hope that never ends. I've never felt the happiness and peace that came with my enlightenment, and I would love to help others feel the same way!
Spread the knowledge people!
Also, I know this blog is young, but go have a look at My Deeper Story for a little insight on who I am.
I'm really excited to have this blog. I needed a way to express and share my beliefs, and the lack thereof. This blog will be paired with my twitter account (@lilmissatheist, go ahead, give it a follow). Whether this is just a platform for me to feel like I'm heard, or if I can actually help someone trying to break free from a religious background, I think this blog is worth my while, and hopefully yours as well.
I'm still learning. I learn new things daily, and I hope that never ends. I've never felt the happiness and peace that came with my enlightenment, and I would love to help others feel the same way!
Spread the knowledge people!
Also, I know this blog is young, but go have a look at My Deeper Story for a little insight on who I am.
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