Happy Atheist

Growing up indoctrinated in the LDS church and being strongly Christian, simply hearing the word 'atheist' was enough to make me cringe. It immediately conjured the image of an evil, miserable, human who wanted to make everyone else evil and miserable. I didn't think a happy atheist could exist. I can't even say exactly why this happened. I can't recall any time when my parents or church leaders spoke badly about atheists, or anyone for that matter. Mormons really are pretty nice people. Perhaps I just couldn't fathom someone actively not believing in my God, or any God. I thought God was the bee's knees. I didn't think a happy atheist could exist.

As I got older, I was proud to find myself fairly open-minded, forward thinking, and accepting. I'm grateful for these traits, as I'm certain I'd still be Lil Miss Mormon without them.  I found my fear of atheists diminishing, and eventually found them...intriguing. As I began to question my belief system I quickly realized that there was no god, and that I was an atheist. It was honestly a lot to wrap my mind around. I quickly redefined atheists for what they are: as generally smart, reasonable, free, happy people. Exactly what I wanted to be.

And I think I am. Instead of reading scriptures and preparing Sunday School lessons, I'm watching documentaries about science, evolution, and the universe. Instead of praying to a god that never answered I have intelligent conversations and debates with my husband and other friends. I'm working to educate myself to defend atheism to those who would challenge my being an atheist. I am working hard to be a well-spoken, educated atheist. I don't want to resort to sarcasm, insults, and bullying when religion is brought up (I know, I know, they make it SO easy). I want to be able to use logic and facts to educate. I won't be the atheist that the Godly fear. I want to be someone that can be turned to for enlightenment. Having been previously deeply religious I know that I never would have taken seriously anyone who insulted me or my beliefs, just as I wouldn't listen to any theist using those same tactics against me now. It is counterproductive to trying to spread a message and educate to needlessly offend those you're trying to reach. I feel compassion for those who are trapped in religion as I was, and I hope that atheists will extend kind words and actions to theists. At the end of the day, most of them are brainwashed and haven't had the opportunity to explore other possibilities. I would have LOVED to have an educated atheist to turn to while I was 'de-converting'. I hope to be that person.

I'm still not openly 'out' about being an atheist. With the majority of my family and friends being LDS, it isn't worth the contention and strain on my relationships. A few closest to me know the truth, and everyone else knows I don't go to church anymore. I'll let them think of me as Inactive Kelsey rather than Atheist Kelsey, for now.  I know the majority of them would jump to a lot of conclusions about me that simply aren't true. They'll think I escaped to the other side of the world to start living a wild life, that I wanted to sin and rebel. They'll pity me. They'll think I'm miserable having rejected their savior. I don't want to open that particular can of worms until I'm in America with my F&F able to defend and explain myself and what I know to be true.

I want them to see that I'm a happy atheist. Never happier in fact. Never. I live in a reality without fear and guilt. I accept that my days are numbered, and I live every day knowing that. I took a risk and moved to the other side of the world for love, and it paid off. I never would have done that if I was still Lil Miss Mormon. I want to show my F&F that I still have values and morals that I uphold. I want to show them that I am still a good person.