The Gift of Doubt

The following are some of the first ideas and thoughts that I had that led me to question my religious upbringing.

There were moments growing up where my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ could not be shaken. I had great moments, both at church and on my own, where I sat and thought, "Kelsey, remember the way you feel right now. If you remember this, you will always know that God lives and He loves you." These moments were what I turned to if ever a shred of doubt entered my head. I was so afraid of questioning what I always believed to be true.

Why? Why should I be afraid to feel doubt and explore more options? After all, who can claim to truly know anything without looking at it from all directions?  Instead of figuring out my beliefs on my own, I looked at the people I loved and trusted. My mom and my step-dad have always regularly attended church. 4 grandparents, 14 aunts and uncles, and a crazy amount of cousins. They all faithfully attended church. If it was good enough for them, it was good enough for me.The idea that they could all be wrong really scared me.

I also looked at those in my life who had already rejected the church. My dad had an affair when I was 5. Once the cat was out of the bag and he left, he never returned to church. To this day, his life has been miserable. Never able to keep a job, never able to pay child support, drug problems, and constant struggle. In contrast, my mom (who remained faithful) thrived. Okay, maybe not thrived, but she was happy. Even though we struggled financially and with health problems, we always had what we needed, and we were happy.

I attributed this to being blessed by God. I even used this as an example when talking to other church members about why I had a testimony. I saw this as evidence of God's existence and his influence in our lives.

Now I know better. Now I know that my dad is miserable because he destroyed his marriage, is a crappy employee who late into his 50's still believes that becoming a rock star will provide for his family, and spent all his money on drugs instead of caring for his family and building a life worthy of joy. He has almost no contact with any of his children or his parents and siblings, he is separated from his third wife.  This isn't because he lost favor with God, this is because he made his bed, and now he is sleeping in it. On the flip side, my mom worked hard and married a hard-working man. Even when she doesn't love her job, she knows the security it provides and how important the health insurance is. She made smart choices. She is blessed because she provided that for herself, not because God is rewarding her. You reap that which you sow. Not because of God, but because of our choices and their natural consequences.

The problem is, you can look at any situation and invent some sort of intervention by the hand of God. You see it all the time. On 9/11 stories of people who were late for work that day and lived to tell about it. Many attribute that to the Almighty. Kind of a slap in the face for those responsible enough to be on time. Ironically, religious people don't look at bad situations and blame the hand of God. When bad things happen, suddenly it becomes some sort of punishment to those who deserve it. Lately, I have heard a lot of remarks regarding the tragic shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary school. People actually have the audacity to suggest that guns are entering our schools because we kicked God out. What?!?! So God decided we were being naughty, so he let a lunatic murder innocent children? Why is it never seen that way?

Anyways, back to my point. I started wondering how I could be so sure of something if it possibly didn't exist. I realized that our brains are powerful things. I realized that given a bit of suggestion, we can fill in a lot of blanks to make a situation easier to understand without having to face reality.  I even experimented after becoming an Atheist. I was able to duplicate the feelings I had when I was 'full of the Spirit of the Lord' by sitting in a room, by myself, inside my own head, and simply thinking about it. I was able to bring tears to my eyes and feel the 'burning in my bosom' that Mormons oh-so-love to feel. No scriptures, no praying. Just my brain.

The brain. That is what it is all about. The more knowledge you gain, the easier it is to understand our incredible universe. You understand that there is no need for God and superstition. The world and our universe is infinitely more incredible when you give it the credit it deserves and don't give kudos to an imaginary man in the sky. Or on Kolob, as the Mormons believe.